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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23020828">the effort of feeling human</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/aesphantasmal/pseuds/aesphantasmal'>aesphantasmal</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Penumbra Podcast</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Depression, Gender, I wrote this for me but y'all can read it if you want, M/M, Other, canon typical Juno needing therapy, everyone is trans because I'm trans and I said so, i have feelings about gender and depressionwear., it's 2am, just fuckin take it, this is incredibly disorganised but I'm not proofreading it lmao, why? fuck if I know</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 12:07:05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,162</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23020828</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/aesphantasmal/pseuds/aesphantasmal</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>sometimes, it's small things that remind juno he's alive.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Peter Nureyev/Juno Steel</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>150</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>the effort of feeling human</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hey anyone wanna see how hard I can ramble<br/>(this post is about me, an nb man who's gender presentation is "putting on sweatpants is less effort", projecting onto Juno because I wrote this for me but y'all can read it if you want)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>When Juno was ten, he crawled into Benten's bunk and whispered "Hey Ben? I think I might be a boy and a girl. But like… like a full boy and half a girl, I don't really know."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben, who had been lying on him since the second he got in, hugged him and said "I'm pretty sure I'm a boy."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Cool. You still using the same name?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah, I like Benzaiten. You?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah. It's easier. He/him?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah. You?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"He/him, for now. I'll tell you if it changes."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Love you, Juno."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Love you too, Benten."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Years passed. Juno tried a lot of things. Different pronouns, different names, though he ended up finding the ones he'd started out with felt most natural to him. He tried makeup, but it was too much effort to do every day. He kept varnish on his nails some of the time, often chipped and uneven. He tried skirts, and they were pretty,but trousers were more practical. Formal wear felt like he was trying to pretend to be someone he wasn't, even when no such thing was happening. He liked it when people called him a man or a lady, not necessarily strongly leaning towards either, though that could change day to day. The idea of being someone's husband scared him equally as much as being someone's wife, moreso after he got close enough that the thread being severed sent him drifting, disconnected from whatever else it was that was that was supposed to matter.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Juno doesn't wear makeup. He wears the one skirt left in his wardrobe when all his sweatpants are dirty and he can't be bothered to do the laundry, until the tear in the side he'd been ignoring gets big enough to render it unwearable. he throws it away. It still takes him a day to go and do his laundry.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rita had become an expert at makeup at some point, before realising she didn't need to be that kind of lady to be a lady. Still, she liked doing it, like an artist likes to paint or a musician likes to play, and she insisted that Juno made a good canvas. Juno would generally say that her colour choices shouldn't work, but still did, and though he found himself picking glitter out of his sweaters for months after, he couldn't say honestly that he minded. There were some days where he barely felt like a person, and Rita's ladies nights helped more than he'd realised they could. One time she'd taken a look at his wardrobe and declared a shopping trip. She'd picked out a very nice skirt. Juno had bought it. There was a certain feeling to doing something not solely dedicated to keeping himself alive one more day.He looks at the glitter on his eyelid and feels the weight of his skirt as he turns and he feels like a lady, like a man, alive in a way he so rarely does.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The suit fits perfectly. It's not like at Ingrid Lake's party, where the jacket was a bit loose and the trousers a bit short. The style is more femme than Juno would have picked for himself, though that's mostly out of habit. Nureyev's brand of femme-leaning masculine presentation worked for him, but it seemed like far too much effort for Juno. Hell, he was pretty sure if he'd bought a suit it wouldn't have fit so well. Peter Nureyev thrives on small details, on clothes and expressions and motions that smooth out the cracks between whatever mask he had on today and the man underneath. There are times where Juno scrabbles to find the edges, to tear the mask off and see the man underneath and what he wants. There are times where he'd rather just believe every word coming out of his mouth, for better or for worse.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Still, even as the suit fits perfectly, the artifice of the whole situation fits Juno like a four poster bed would fit the bedroom of his tiny apartment. He's almost glad when Engstrom gives him the excuse to drop the disguise. The artifice looks natural on Nureyev. Maybe that's why Juno's stomach doesn't start churning instantly when Nureyev calls him his wife.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Peter Nureyev is the sun, and Juno feels like a plant desparately reaching for his light to save himself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Peter Nureyev is the sun, and Juno is constantly outshined by him, a flickering candle in comparison.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Peter Nureyev is the sun, and maybe Juno Steel is Icarus.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Juno Steel is covered in scars. A million marks of a million mistakes etched onto his skin. Nureyev has scars, too - the almost faded marks of a childhood on the streets and being prepared for things he was not supposed to understand. Top surgery scars mark his chest, though barely visible like the rest of the marks from the person Nureyev was many years ago. A few are more recent, but the only ones Juno can see clearly are the welts and small lightning patterns Miasma's torture had left burned into Nureyev's skin.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And that's the real reason Juno leaves. Maybe, if Nureyev is the sun, Juno is a black hole, and he owes it to Nureyev not to pull him in with him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>So he picks up his tattered coat and puts on the now ripped trousers and shirt Nureyev had bought him weeks ago. He folds them up when he gets home, places them in his closet, and puts on some sweatpants.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Juno switches up his wardrobe, after the Theia tower comes down. He buys a new coat and lets Rita do whatever she wants with his makeup, so he won't see the person the Theias made him, the person Ramses made him. He mentions buying some nicer clothes offhand to Rita, and she practically drags him out of the door right away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Buddy checks with him about the dress first. He hasn't worn a dress in many years, but he figures he might as well try again. In the end, the problem ends up being less the dress itself and more the eyes following him as he wears it. It feels strange to see Nureyev watching him, for a change.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Juno does his makeup, sometimes. It's easier with one eye than two anyway.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Juno buys some nicer clothes, and Nureyev helps him steal more. Some trousers, some shirts, some sweaters, some skirts, even a few coats. The variety and choice makes Juno feel like the owner of his body, not a passenger.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nureyev calls him his husband, his wife, his spouse on heists and Juno's stomach doesn't lurch. Marriage is not their style, but the idea doesn't scare Juno any more.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>On a bad day, Juno gets knocks on his door, checking he's ok, anchoring him to the people around him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Juno is a man. Juno is a lady. Juno is a person, and for the first time in many years, he truly believes that.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>please comment I need validation cause I gotta be up in 5 hours but I wrote this instead<br/>edit: y'all be having transed genders huh? valid.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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